Jacked Up

It’s story time nerds. Buckle up, it’s a long one.

I was talking to this girl last night and I shared one of my favorite songs of all times with her. It’s “Troll Nacht” by The Dodos just in case you were wondering. I’m not going to review it in this post but maybe I will later. All you need to know is that this song was the theme to my life back when I was like 19-20. I love it and strangely only recently cared about the lyrics above how they perfectly fit the instrumental. They also made me reminisce about a lamer part of my life several years ago. This is about a particular girl that I was absolutely in love with during the time.

This is going to be hilariously embarrassing.

The year is 2009. I’m away at college and ready for all the weirdness that I assumed would consume my life for the next four years.  Now, real quick, the 2nd Fl Edge was the greatest freshman experience one could ask for. A majority of our floor hung out together and for the most part we have fond memories of each other. We did a lot of ridiculous things in the common area and it was all crazy fun.

I didn’t drink or particularly feel the need to go out that first year but my roommate was a gregarious fellow. He wasn’t afraid to talk to people and quickly made friends. He became friends with this girl who was in turn friends with another girl down the hall. Now this other girl was, in my opinion, stunning. A beautiful black girl; athletic (HER BODY WAS A1), funny, fearless and a bit flirty. Now, she wasn’t even the first girl I had a crush on in college but once like mid spring semester hit…it was a wrap. Everybody knew I liked her and I’m sure she did too. The thing was that I was waaaayyy too much of a pussy to do or say anything about it. So what I did was play the proximity game. If I’m near her all the time, something romantic will eventually happen. Play the good guy long game and you’re in there like swimwear.

Literally nothing happened.

I remember one summer where we texted NON. STOP. We actually turned into really good friends but I was smitten and blinded to the facts. My love was unrequited and I was absolutely useless as a single man in my prime (I’d lost a significant amount of weight and was SO swole. THANKS JON). I was a lap dog, incapable of seeing that I was being strung along for a simple platonic friendship but also adoration and attention. My role was like a stereotypical gay friend from a TV show or movie. It was pathetic. I remember we were at a party once and they tried to get me to talk or go dance with her. The move was to slowly rearrange the circle we were standing in so I was next to her. I did nothing. I remember another time, at the late stages of a hangout we were trying to figure out what to go eat. We had narrowed it down to two places and while we were going around trying to pick, another friend said “Justin will just pick whatever *her name* chooses.” I vehemently denied this accusation but he was completely correct. Burn.

I was probably unknowingly giving up buns because of this infatuation. Which probably affected things rather recently. People were starting to talk shit about her and my infatuation was waning. This was like a year or two of my life spent obsessing over this girl but now we were no more than really good friends. At this one party,  I was hanging out with one of her good friends (who I later developed some feelings for, I think had a golden opportunity with and AGAIN pussed out…she also peed in my bed so that happened). In our drunken state, she revealed that my friend had a boyfriend.

Wait, what?

I was crushed. I remember confronting her about it and texting her some really mean things. Why hadn’t she told me? Was she so manipulative to think her slave boy would leave her side with this information (probably yes and definitely yes). Why did this hurt so much? I remember laying up late some nights wondering why this happened to me. How many chances had I passed up? I thought about sex constantly…well not much has changed but my roommates were seemingly swimming in it at the time. Confidence was gone. We were done. Our friendship was practically over.  I really hated her for a long time after that whole thing but I hope she’s doing well. The last time I contacted her was to tell her not to open a snap of a dick pic I’d drunkenly sent her (this was a while ago, those come at a premium now).

Thinking back on it now, I cannot believe how pathetic and naive I behaved. I will never let a woman have that much power over me again. I should have been a gross young man, trying to smash everything that blinked at me instead of pining away for a girl who didn’t reciprocate my feelings but kept me holding on to a sliver of hope. I should have expressed myself so I could have moved on. First loves are weird but I was wimp.


But anyway, go listen to The Dodos, they are dope.


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